For those who Seek to Understand and Better Befriend Singles…

They say to write about what you know.  I hardly know what it means to be single any more. Marriage for almost 11 years has put my single-hood into the distant memory that looks like a beautiful, foggy day with a rainbow.  This is true especially,  when I am deep in the trenches of motherhood.  However, I dug back into the recesses of my brain, and remembered…

I remembered what it was like to celebrate those “romantic” holidays without a significant other. Watching friend after friend marry and wonder, “Will it ever be my turn?”  “Will I know when it is the right one?”  “Will anyone ever like me in that way?”  “Why hasn’t it happened yet, when it has happened to all my friends?”   “Is there something wrong with me?”     I’ve heard this a lot from my single girlfriends.  Because there feels like there must be a special significance to being “chosen”  in this way by a good man.

I also remember the pain of some of your friendships changing when marriage happens.  This is good and healthy, but hard.

There were also the decisions you had to make all the time about which way your life would go.  Would you choose to work that year?  Where would you choose to work?  Would your work be about making a living, or more a volunteer service–ministry type occupation?  Should you go to school?  Should you go for that,  that, or maybe that?  Should you go into the mission field and where?  So many decisions…exciting, yet frightening, so much of your life depended on you  making the right choices.

The things I appreciated especially looking back was…

I had lot’s of choices, irony this…

Excitement of not really knowing what was around the bend.

I had many opportunities to minister.

I had lot’s of alone time.  (This may not be the case for everyone, but for me it was true, and I might be comparing the alone time I had than, compared to now, which may or may not be fair.)

I had lot’s of opportunities for learning.

I could enjoy other’s children and then send them home at night.:)

So this is pretty much the extent of my own experience with singleness, but I wanted to go much deeper. So I chatted to friends and put out a survey for a bunch of my single Facebook friends.

I am going to go down the list of questions and randomly answer some of what was said, some of the answers were similar and some were polar opposites.  I felt so blessed by those that took the time to answer my questions, and it gave me a glance into the beauty of their brokenness as well as their wholeness.  I’m hoping I can give you a glimpse into their hearts so that we may be better Brothers and Sisters.  Some of these questions were answered in surveys, some I have gained from talking and listening to single friends.

Question # 1.

What are some of the difficulties of singleness?

–Going to special functions alone.

–Being seated at the children’s table instead of with the adults at holidays

–Going through the romantic season alone, Christmas to Valentines Day.

–Going to good restaurants alone.

–Being treated or feeling as if something is wrong with you because you are single.

–Having no one to share life’s burdens with.

–Having no one to set up house with.

–Not getting included in “married things unless there are other people involved.”

–Getting used to a room mate in order to make life more affordable.

–Having to share the load of finances, housework, out door work, and everything alone.  Unless you have a room mate…see above.

–Dreams of child bearing slipping through one’s fingers as every year passes.

–No one to care for you when you are older.

–Lack of romance.

–Loneliness

 

Question # 2

What are some of the benefits of singleness?

–Freedom to make your own choices for the most part

–Being able to pack up and go some where I want randomly without having to check someone else schedule.

–Deciding how to spend my own money

–I always get to be with my family for the holidays.

–Plenty of time to spend with friends and family and nieces and nephews.

–Not as many people to worry about.

 

 

Question #3

How does your church family reach out to you?

–prayer

–words of encouragement

–making sure I know I matter

–accepting me for who I am
Question #4
Do you feel like you have a voice in your church?

–This is where we get polar opposites, some saying they have no or very little voice in the church others saying that yes they feel very much like their opinion matters.  I would say for the most part we as a Church could step it up when it comes to making sure single people know they are being heard.

 

Question #5

Are there any ministries you feel you can not be a part of as a single person?

–Again you get very differing answers here, from absolutely feeling like they are not an asset to their church to feeling like they are used wherever they are willing.  Some areas mentioned as not being used very often were.

–pastoring a church

–worship teams

–Youth sponsors

Question #6

Is there anything you wish your married friends would understand about singleness?

For these answers I used some exact quotes that I felt give really good incite to what you feel as a single person.

“I think mainly we just want to be treated as individual people, and not pitied or lumped into a specific groups.. We also don’t like it when people assume we have lots of free time because we are single. Occasionally, it is truth, but often I am the one called upon by my siblings, parents or friends to do random babysitting or other tasks for the very same reason, add that to work, etc., and it still makes us busy people.”

“I have a lot of friends who got married at a young age; I have grown into a 30 year old adult as a single woman. It’s hard! But I can do big things and be respected as a single, Christian woman.”

“The most difficult thing is that married people insinuate in actions/small groups and such that you cannot be an asset to their lives by not including you unless for some reason other singles are involved. I don’t mind that people try and set me up even though at times it can be a little annoying it all depends on ones heart.”

“Honestly, the worst thing is when people treat you like your broken or with pity (as a second thought) rather than just being treated like any other friend. I don’t want pity I just need friends like anyone else….its easy for a single to spot fake charity vs real attempts at friendship.”

Question #7

Is there anything you wish married people wouldn’t ask you?

–Why is such a nice/pretty girl like you still single?

–Are you dating anyone? (you will be told when they want to tell you)

–Are you sure you aren’t being too picky?

–Questions that always involve marriage or dating or a significant other.  .

–Have you meant (enter a guy who they would never have considered for themselves)?(I may be single, but do you really think that I am that desperate?)

Question #8

Is there anything you wish your married friends would ask you?

Ask me about what God is doing in my life and my ministry, or work.

Ask questions that make me know that you see me as a significant person with or without a significant other in my life.

Question # 9

Do you ever wish you were married, or are you at a point in your life that you are pretty content with where you are at?

–For the most part this question was answered with a, “Yes, I would like to get married some day, but am trying to be content with where God has me in life right now.”

I want to end this blog with an almost exact quote from one of my single friends who is who I consider a “Hero of the Faith”.  I took some of it out as to not reveal her identity.  She has been serving God in various ministries for years.  As I did not get permission to give her name.  I will give her quote as anonymous, but I thought she said so beautifully what I wish to communicate through these blogs.

“At one point I did struggle with others not understanding me…, but then came to the conclusion that it’s better to seek to understand than to be understood. And maybe that could be said no matter what station we find ourselves in. There’s always something beautiful He’s working out in and through us…and it seems that moving us beyond ourselves plays a big part in that.”–anonymous

So true, and may we all seek to understand!

P.S. Singles if you think of anything more feel free to add in the comments.

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Where have I been?

It’s been ages since I have written on here.  Not because I haven’t had anything to write about.    I have been exploding with things to write.  However, due to plain busyness a mom of 5 experiences, and mostly to problems with my website, I have had extreme difficulty with blogging.

Now, the website issue has been resolved, and I at 33 weeks pregnant, have been given an express command by my doctor that I must rest as much as possible, so I will attempt in my resting to catch up on some writing.   My next two blogs are based on a subject matter I have felt God wanting me to write about for a some time, Seeking to understand singleness, and the ups and downs of “wedded bliss”.

Why? you may ask is a “wedded bliss” person diving into a pool of singleness and even attempting to write their ups and downs.  Well, several reasons, first, I have a lot of single friends whom I love very much,and I have felt frustration at the misunderstandings that sometimes occur between us.  I  write this in an effort to understand their paths more. The reason I am doing both blogs is to hopefully help us to understand each other a little more, and to reach out to each other on a better level.  Finally, my sister who is beautiful, single, encouraged me in this direction.  We will blame our failure or success on her. 😉  (kidding sis, just kidding)

So after doing some research, I am attempting to write these blogs.  I do not claim to be an expert, so many may disagree with me.  Also, these are in no means a way of comparison.  In fact I beg you not to read it with the “Oh, they think that is hard? They should try this!” mentality. It’s so easy to look at another persons life and see all the good and not the struggles.  We married people may long for the freedom and opportunities a single has while a single person may long for the comfort of a stable loving relationship, and children to love and be loved by.  My attempt in my blogs is for married to look at the single’s path and have some understanding of what they face, and single’s look at a married’s path and have some understanding of what they face.  Now, I know there are so many variables in different people’s lives and I have no time to go into the single mother, abusive husband, etc.  Just pure singleness and marriage.  Hopefully, I have not tried to do too much with too little here.  I’ll let you be the judge.  I am only being obedient, so coming soon to a blog near you, I hope…..”For those Seeking to Better Befriend Singles”

Happy Birthday Sweeta Chalita!

This precious little is our little sunshine, who is not afraid of anything, stands her own ground, and is the only one brave enough among her brothers and sisters to pick up a chicken.  She adds so much life and fun to our family, is always on the go, loves to help mommy, and is the drama queen of them all. She hates bugs and snakes, but loves the color pink, her big sister, and anything princess.  We love her so much and can’t imagine our lives without her.  Happy Birthday sweet princess!  We are so glad God brought you to us!

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times…

  • “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.  ”
  •                                                            — Charles Dickens version from A Tale of Two Cities

In loo of bedtime…

LaDonna Nice’s version from A Tale of Bedtime

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times, it is the time they want to speak and hear much wisdom, it is the time of silliness,  it is the epoch of hunger, it is the epoch of thirst, it is one wanting a night light, another wanting total darkness, it is the spring of hope for parents for a few moments of solitude, it is the winter of despair when the moments of solitude are continuously interrupted, we have everything before us, dishes, clothes to wash, floors to sweep, books to read, a bed to fall into, we have nothing before us,as the time slips away, to clean the dishes, wash the clothes, sweep the floors, read the books, fall to bed, and it all becomes nothing as we snuggle our dear littles, one last time,they will grow up to soon,everything else is nothing,  we were all going directly to bed tonight, right? Wrong, we were all going directly the other way, to get a drink, to go to the bathroom, to brush our teeth, again, to talk to mommy, to give mommy a hug, and a kiss, oops and another hug, and a tickle and a giggle–in short the night time was so far like the day time, that all of it’s noisiest parents insisted on it’s being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”    But, quiet all, I think they finally, dosed off….

 

Grandma Dear

2012-08-27

Wrinkled hands and skin so fair

Beautiful whitened golden hair.

A heart of gold with love so true.

She’s always taking care of you.

Never a thought for herself,

Always thinking of someone else.

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Gentle her heart, true and kind,

Her children and grandchildren on her mind.

She prayed for us so faithfully,

And now she’s gone home to be,

With her Jesus she loved so true,

And Grandpa I’m sure she’s hugging you!

Kevin and Kerry, she loved you too.

She’ll be so excited to see you.

I can almost imagine the reunion tonight.

A heavenly birthday party in flight.

Her body free from sickness and pain,

An earthly loss, a heavenly gain.

Her precious Saviour will look her in the face,

And pull her into His sweet embrace.

Her long awaited faith is sight,

She’s running and dancing at Home tonight.

Well done my faithful child, “He’ll say,

You kept the faith, you finished the race.

Now your reward is awaiting too.

Welcome home, my sweet daughter, I love you.”

Then He’ll take her by the hand

And lead her to the promised land.

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With flowers dancing all around,

And heavenly music, what a beautiful sound.

Her loved ones shouting, “Hurrah, Hurrah,

You’re home at last you’re here to stay.”

What a party they’re having up there.

Her first day in heaven with her loved ones to share.

We miss you Grandma, though we could never wish you back.

For now there is nothing that you lack.

Say, “Hello” to Jesus for me.

We’ll see you soon, in eternity

And here on earth your prayers go on,

Echoing loves sweetest song.

Your love and kindness has touched us deep.

And what you sow, you will always reap.

Your harvest of love running in our heart.

Will never, never from us depart.

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God’s Not Dead

Was feeling discouraged tonight.  Just about life in general, relationships, my own selfishness, and lack of change.  Confusion about who I am and who I should be.    I sat down at the computer amidst my frustration, and there on the desk was a piece of paper.  In child like scroll, it was written twice, “God’s not Dead.”  It felt like a message straight from my Father, and from one of my little boys.

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This reminder that no matter what we are facing in life we don’t need to worry, we just need to trust in a God that’s not Dead.  He’s got this people.  He loves us and He wants the very best for us, even better than we  could ever ask or think.  We need only to be still, be quiet, rest, and trust in Him with confidence and this is our strength.

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For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.
                                                                                                     Isaiah 30:15
I would…I will choose quietness and confidence tonight in a God who is not dead!